NEW YORK STATE FAIR
August 30, 2007
by Ham
If you turn on any local news channel in Upstate New York in late August you will be bombarded with stories about the New York State Fair. All four news channels from Syracuse broadcast live from The Fair every year, so we are treated with stories about all of the wonderful things to do while at The Fair: Watch your on-the-spot reporter talk to kids about rides, watch the "wacky" reporter walk thru the Poultry Building, watch your local weather being broadcast in front of a bunch of screaming Fair-goers, and so on. Even if you don't watch the news you are overloaded with Fair propaganda wherever you go. This store is selling Fair tickets, this store has $2 off Fair tickets if you buy 12 socks, this band is playing at the Fair in the "Beer & Fish Tent", etc.
So why all of the fuss about what is essentially a super-sized version of a local Field Days? Well, before I try to answer that I feel I must post a little disclaimer. I'm afraid that some people may read this article and say, "What about the fudge... I love the fudge" or "What about so-n-so band that played... they're great" or "What about blahblahblah building... that's interesting". Yes, yes, yes. The fudge is lovely, the so-n-so band is fabulous, and every other little thing you love about The Fair is fabulous. However, this site is called Project Absurd, so of course I'm going to focus on the more absurd parts of The Fair. And, oh yeah, there are a lot of them...
I'll start out with the parking situation. Seeing as how there are approximately 40 ga-billion people that go to The Fair every day, you'd think that there would be ample parking for at least a good portion of them. Ha ha! You must be from out of town. There are about 30 parking spots that are close to The Fair itself. Those of us who aren't lucky enough to get one of those spots have to park in Des Moines, IA and take a shuttle bus.
Once inside The Fair you will have several different ways to go. Each one of them will get you lost. Inevitably, whether you are trying to go there or not, you will end up in The Midway.
The Midway always has the highest density of screaming kids who don't watch where they're going. So, if that's something you enjoy, The Midway is for you! As you can see from the photo above, The Midway always has all the latest high-tech rides for the kiddies to enjoy.
Wait a minute. Who put that old picture there? That must've been taken in the 1970s or 80s, back when everything was called "2000" to sound futuristic, right? Nope, the "Starship 2000" is still running at The Fair in 2007.
In The Midway you'll also find some of the classic "Fun House"-type buildings.
Yes, whether it's those wacky old Germans in the "Cuckoo Haus" or the wacky old monkeys in the "Monkey Maze", there is a Fun House (or Fun Haus) for everyone at The New York State Fair.
For some reason, the "Freak Shows" are still a large part of The Fair. I'm surprised these things still exist (especially in these politically correct times). I thought they would've gone out in the 1950s.
You may have trouble reading some of these banners. So, let's go thru them, shall we? We have the "Monkey With A Human Face" which is REAL and also asks the eternal question, "Was Darwin Right?". Next we have the "Giant Nuclear Radiation Beetle". Is that safe to be near or should I wear some protective ointment? The "Human Oddities!", which are the only oddities that deserve an exclamation point, include the "2 Headed Baby", "Frog Girl", and the "Elephant-Skin Baby". The Fair runs from 8am until midnight. My question is, who is in charge of changing all of these kids' diapers? It must get pretty ripe in the Oddity Museum after noon or so. Anyway, the next REAL "Freaks Of Nature" are the "2 Headed Calf" and the "2 Headed Raccoon". And now, in the center banner, wearing large blue tights and a lovely afro, weighing in at a slim, trim 891 pounds, is "Fat Albert". I wonder if he's the one who changes the diapers on the freaky babies. I have to wonder, is there really just a huge fat guy back there seating in a purple chair eating Cheetos? Will he talk to you? Tell fat jokes? Take whatever snacks you may have? Moving on... The "Incredible People" (does John Davidson know about this?) include "3 Eyed Bill", "Horrifying Man", and the "Mule-Face Woman". The one I most feel sorry for in this group is the "Horrifying Man". Everyone else's name just describe their abnormality but he is just called "Horrifying". Why not "Melting Man" or something? Next, we have Fat Albert's friend, the 8'2", 435 pound "Worlds Tallest Girl" sitting on her pink Cadillac. With crushed velvet seats. Oh snap! I just noticed that her banner also includes the REAL (their code word for "You don't really believe this sh*t, do you?") "World's Smallest Monkey", standing at 2 and 1/4 inches tall. How do they keep track of that thing? And last but, uhhh... last we have the X Files inspired "Chupa Cabra" and the "Mongolian Death Worm". Whew! All that for only $1?
Well, we didn't make our way into the "Oddity Museum" this year (if anyone did and wants to give their report please click on the "Leave A Comment" link at the bottom of the page). However, we had gone in to check out this attraction several years ago. Many of the banners had changed but the theme was the same. Of course, none of the things on the banners were real. Several of the "attractions" were simply "Weekly World News"- style newspaper articles posted on a wall that contained pictures of the oddities. I think there was a cow in there that had some little "legs" poorly attached to it's side, so it could be called a "6 legged cow".
Moving along thru The Midway you will see several games of challenge and intrigue. No, no, I'm just kidding! Instead, you'll see things like the "Git-R-Done" game and the "Fish Bowl" game.
I can't tell you how much I hate the phrase "Git-R-Done". It almost makes me long for the "Achy Breaky" days of the early 90s. Also, does no one else think the "Fish Bowl" game is quite cruel to those little fish? First some annoying kid throws a ball into their bowl, knocking them loopy. Then, if the kid wins, the fish gets thrown in a plastic bag for the kid to carry around the rest of the day, which will probably include spinning and flying around on various rides. I know the sign says "We Babysit Your Fish" but I have seen several kids carrying those bags, spinning them around like they were carrying a ginger bread man or a pink monkey or something. Which leads me to...
That ginger bread man was Kelly's favorite stuffed prize that we saw at The Fair this year. I also enjoyed the look on the pink monkey's face.
Also on The Midway, and all throughout The Fair for that matter, you'll find loads and loads of stomach ache-inducing food available.
I wonder if the Hasbro people know that Mr. Potato Head is moonlighting at The Fair. Nothing says "I'm big and fat and just don't care" like walking around with a giant corn dog on a stick. Or an Italian meatball on a stick. That huge corn dog is pretty cool though. It looks like something Paul Bunyon might enjoy.
Of course, we had to get photos of a couple of New York State Fair classic food vendors:
Dippin' Dots has been calling itself the "Ice Cream of the Future" for at least 20 years now. You'd think it would've caught on by now and replaced all of the "regular" ice cream. Perhaps they mean the far distant future. Maybe in the year 2300 everyone will be enjoying those annoying little dots.
Villa Pizze Fritte (Spell Check hated those last two words) and the Lemonade stand shaped like a lemon have been long time Fair favorites. I think things just taste better when their sold from a stand shaped like the product. This could be a great new marketing scheme. I'm sure this will catch on and I won't get any credit. Next time you see a hot dog being sold from inside a hot dog, you'll know who to thank.
As you'll notice, most food vendors at The Fair don't even try to pretend that their product is good for you. It's just greasy or sweet stuff that tastes good. After all, it's not like you go to The Fair to enjoy fresh fried veggies or something. Oh, wait...
I guess someone forgot to tell Dr. Vegetable that no one wants to eat broccoli or cauliflower when you can turn around and buy a double cheeseburger or a bucket o' fudge.
All along The Midway you'll find different tents full of all sorts of crap that you'd never want to buy.
Udder Balm? What exactly is Udder Balm, you ask? See for yourself -
click here
to purchase your very own tub of Udder Balm.
Yes, apparently Oprah swears by Ultra-Balm. I didn't even know Oprah swore much less by this Balm substance. We didn't ask them why Oprah swore by Ultra-Balm but we probably should have. Actually, I think that's a good idea in general. Just ask random people that you meet why Oprah swears by Ultra-Balm. Or is it Udder Balm? The big sign says Udder Balm but Oprah's sign says Ultra-Balm. Oh, I'm so confused. Udder. Ultra. Oprah. Ugh! I think I need some milk. Where could I find some Ice Cold New York State Milk?
Aah, yes! The Rainbow Milk Bar! That must be where they give out the free milk. I remember that from years ago. And now they have rainbow milk? Spectacular! If this is anything like Strawberry Quik I'm going to love it!
Nope. Disappointed on all accounts. The milk is no longer free, they charge 25 cents for it. AND, they don't offer rainbow milk. They only have chocolate and white. Those lying bastards! Well, at least we found some rainbow poultry.
Anyway, back to the milk bar disappointment. You may be wondering where I found such a bar in The Fair. Well, it's in the lovely and talented Dairy Building, which is one of the many buildings in The Fair. I'll discuss more of them later. While inside the Dairy Building, you'll also find the Damn Butter Sculpture.
Ugh. I call this the Damn Butter Sculpture (DBS from now on) because this is perhaps the most talked about exhibit in The Fair. If you watch the local news you'd think the world (or at least The Fair) revolved around this DBS. All thru the month of August, before The Fair opens, we're treated to "hints" as to what the DBS might be on all of the local channels. The newscasters act very excited about this. One year, I'd love for the DBS to be a giant stick of butter. Now, that would impress me.
Speaking of odd sculptures, this one is always in the Horticulture Building. Or is it the Pepsi Building? Oh hell, it's the Fudge Building as far as I'm concerned! Anyway, compared to the DBS, this sand sculpture hardly gets any attention.
I also think it would be quite impressive to try and combine the two sculptures. Mix up some sand and butter and see what you can make. Even if you can't build a sculpture out of it I'm sure you could throw it on some powdered dough and people would scarf it down.
Let's move on to what I believe is the largest building in The Fair, The Center Of Progress Building. Now, I also believe that this building is named ironically because there are so many damn people in this building at all times that it is impossible to get anywhere (or to make any Progress, if you will). I really don't understand the reason for all of the crowds in this building either. The majority of the "attractions" here are vendors trying to sell you a bunch of crap you don't need, like Magic Worms or a Handwriting Analysis.
Just look at that high tech equipment at the Handwriting Analysis booth! It looks like something out of a 1950s science fiction movie.
Moving on to the Health Building, you'll find one of my favorite attractions - The House Of Hazards! The displays included in this attraction are so wonderful that I'm going to make this incredibly long article even longer by posting each picture separately and commenting about them.
Now, I realize these dioramas are supposed to teach us about fire safety. However, I enjoy going here every year just to laugh like a ninny at some of the things those wacky fire department people come up with. The most obvious comedy starts with those quote bubbles. "Look Daddy - Here comes Uncle Joe!" is said by an invisible child. You'll notice that dumb ass Uncle Joe is a repeat offender in these scenes. You might learn from these scenes that if you do have an Uncle Joe, do not let him in your house. Ever. Anyway, the father then says, "Oh no! Not Uncle Joe! The 'great fixer-upper'. Don't let him touch anything electrical!". The mother, who is doing the two-step while cleaning the stove and holding her child says, "Oh Calgon - please take me away...". Yes, these dioramas also include all of the latest "hip" slang that all "the kids" use. The child in the stupid shirt and fire helmet then says, "Oh Mommy... The juice fell down...". Well, couldn't Daddy get the damn juice? I think Mommy's busy enough reciting commercial phrases from the 1970s.
Ok, on to the next scene...
This one is supposed to be your average college dorm room. And, of course, every college kid these days has a Kangaroo Jack poster in their room. We couldn't get a picture of the full room (there wasn't enough room in the hallway to back up and get the whole scene in the shot), but you'll notice there is a kid laying on the bed above the kid on the computer. A pizza delivery boy is climbing up the stairs to the bed to deliver the pizza. Now, that's what I call service! I wonder if he's going to cut up the food and serve it to him as well. This scene also includes some more classic quote bubbles. The bald guy (with "Genius" tattooed on the back of his head... of course) says, "Something's wrong with the computer! I've tried everything -but- I can't get this thing to turn on!!! (Boy, Uncle Joe fixed it too...)". Then he answers himself by saying, "Geeez, I knew that!!". Again, that damn Uncle Joe is trying to burn down the neighborhood.
Which leads us to our final scene...
The quote bubbles in the scene were a little hard to read in the picture but I'll do my best. The child hugging the old woman says, "Gramma, I don't wanna be an elf in the play, pleez". I have no idea what this has to do with anything. Perhaps it would be harder to "stop, drop and roll" with an elf costume on or something. The horses in the pictures also talk to each other in this diorama. The first one says, "Hey Ed, what do you think of the 'famous' Uncle Joe". The next one replies, "Well, I'm only a horse, of course, but I think he's a real douche bag" (Just kidding... I couldn't make out the rest of what he said). The kid then says "Hey Dad, did that horse say something?". Then, to really confuse the viewer, the kid says, "Hey Uncle Joe... I taped these old tree lights... Just like you told me too.". So, is the guy with the handsome yellow shirt Uncle Joe or Dad? I guess I'll have to wait until next year to find out, because I can't make out what he says. I also have no idea why the television is frozen on the woman with the trendy hair-do's face.
So, like I said, I really enjoy these dioramas. However, to really get the message across I think they should have a diorama showing what happens to these people as a result of their carelessness. Show the whole room burned down or something, and maybe have Uncle Joe standing there in a Satan costume laughing. Anyway, on the way out of the House Of Hazards, we were each given a bag o' stuff and a shiny red fire helmet. I just hope I don't drop the juice while I'm wearing it.
There are many other buildings at The Fair but this article is getting way too long as it is. Plus, we didn't take any pictures of them. This was partly because most of them are what is known as the "Poop Buildings" in The Fair. There is the Cow Poop Building, the Horse Poop Building, the Chicken Poop Building, etc. Oh yes, you will enjoy all sorts of different animal poop on your visit to The Fair. Just please be careful...
And you not only have to watch out for poop in the aforementioned buildings, you must watch your step wherever you go in The Fair. They walk those damn horses around and their droppings are just everywhere!
Now, one place we did not expect to be viewing poop was in the Paintings And Miniature Stuff Building (that may not be it's real name). We were checking out a miniature version of a circus and were exposed to miniature elephant poop. No kidding! I've got proof if you don't believe me...
Aaah! Now, was the poop really necessary in this recreation? Did they think anyone walking by would say, "That's a spectacular display but it's not very realistic - there's no elephant droppings!"?
Well, I guess that's a good place as any to end this article. Yes, The Fair is full of absurd things but despite all of that, or perhaps because of it, we always go there every year. We even wrote a song parody about it. Click here to check it out. And don't forget to Wash Your Hands!
(Posted 9/2007)
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