THE SIMPSONIAN
January 26, 2008
by Ham and Kelly
While driving through Elbridge, NY this past January we noticed the following sign near the side of the road.
We could also see a bunch of stuff laying out all over the lawn so we decided to check it out. We enjoy a good antique shop every now and again so we thought it might be interesting. What we saw when we got out of the car and took a closer look was this:
Huh? What kind of antique shop had we stumbled upon? I needed a closer look at that tree.
Again... huh? A sled with a bow... fake flowers... Christmas lights... a bird feeder... a wheelbarrow... a teddy bear... ? Are all these things for sale? Why are they all laying about in such an odd manner? Ham confused.
Well, we were confused for quite awhile so I'm going to keep you guessing for a bit longer. Take a look at some more things thrown about the front lawn.
Wait one gosh darn minute! Is that an empty bed frame with plates strategically placed around it for no reason? Yes, it is! This is my favorite thing I have ever seen and I remember dragging you over and forcing you to take pictures of it so I could remember it forever and ever and ever, Amen. We kept on searching, trying to find out where we were and why all of these things were on someone's front lawn in the middle of winter. Well, we never did exactly find out the why but we saw this sign telling us where we were:
Aaah, The Simpsonian. Of course. Right about the time we saw this, Mr. Simpson came out of the house to greet us. I was mortified that we were caught taking pictures and kind of scared. I was going to ask him why he put the word "Beautiful" in quotes on the sign (Elbridge seemed like a lovely town to me), but before I got the chance he started telling us the history of his little antique shop. Or is it a museum? I can't remember. I think it may have started out as some sort of wacky museum for his students but it seems to have developed into something else entirely. Oh, did I mention Mr. Simpson used to be a teacher? Well, he was. He also told us that his students came up with the name "The Simpsonian", because he was a bit of a pack rat and tended to hold on to things that he probably didn't need to hold on to.
I tell you, them students is plum crazy! A pack rat? The hell you say!
For some reason, Mr. Simpson's favorite things to collect seem to be plates, pots, and bird feeders. And why not? Birds got to eat too! And just what on earth are you going to do after you've made a nice dinner and gotten your pots and plates all dirty? Use them again? Have you gone goofy?! No, you put them out on your lawn in some sort of decorative display, silly!
I just noticed that orange bird feeder (the photo above the one above these words... see it?). I swear, I notice something different in these photos every time I look at them.
I was trying to snap as many pictures as I could while Mr. Simpson kept on talking and talking and seemed to be leading us somewhere. And still, I was sort of frightened and Ham was sort of oblivious. LOL
Dressers and doors that go nowhere. And of course a couple more plates thrown about.
Shelves and plates and plates. And a tricycle on a wagon on top of a door. Where were we again? It felt like we walked into some sort of antique store version of the Chroni(what)cles Of Narnia. Seriously, we were only about 30 feet from the road at this point but it felt like we were in another world entirely. Scared. Bizarro Elbridge if you will (or even if you won't).
Some glasses, a bird feeder and a see-through duck to keep an eye on things.
I took a closer look at one of the shelves:
A block of wood splashed with what I hope is paint, a rag, and a children's xylophone (is that what that is?). Quite an odd combination of stuff, eh?
Another damn bird feeder being watched over by the cat with the creepy eyes. The rope and upside-down bowl were a nice touch as well. Keep in mind all of these photos were quickly taken while Mr. Simpson kept on talking and was leading us somewhere. Scared. After awhile, I finally heard him mention something about a "store". So, all of these things outside are for sale? No, just the stuff inside. Inside?! There are more things inside? Yes, in the garage our trip through Narnia continued. Just follow us through this magic door. I actually hesitated here. Scared.
That's one big-ass bunch of grapes!
Ok, upon entering the "store" we both got quite a bit freaked out. Told you so. Mr. Simpson followed us in and, of course, we were the only people in the store. There was minimal lighting, some odd talk-radio station playing somewhere (it sounded very conservative, because as I recall they were discussing the "evils" of abortion - a very partisan thing to have on the pa when trying to sell stuff to random strangers), and religious memorabilia everywhere. Oh, and did I mention there was stuff for sale? Oh yes. Stuff and stuff and more stuff. The only difference between the "store" and all the stuff outside was that most of the stuff inside had little white price tags on them.
Well, the figure of the old woman holding a bat would look lovely on our television, but what I really need is a rusty chicken.
Perfect! Now how about some squirrels and a mug featuring the Campbell's Soup kid? I'm looking for a yellow lion with a pink mane and a black cat with glowing green eyes?
Word! Now, you may want to go back and look at these pictures more closely. There are tons of goodies contained therein. Also notice the small religious pamphlets randomly placed on different shelves.
Aaah! What's that clown looking at? And what is tied to his leg? And what exactly is that thing shaped like a cat's head in the lower right hand corner of the picture? It's wearing some baby-blue superhero mask and has a Hitler mustache. And what the bloody hell is that spider thing?
Oh, never mind. What I really need is a green hippo figure, a yellow elephant, and some more religious paraphernalia.
Yes, that will do. Thank you.
Mr. Simpson kept encouraging us to "look around" in all of the rooms. Scared. We went into an even more dimly lit back room scared but couldn't quite move around to look at anything. Cornered. Scared. Panic attack.
The above photo had to be lightened up quite a bit to be able to see anything. I don't even know where to begin. I was going to start labeling things in this photo but I got too tired. Is there some old fashioned children's rocking horse that I can sit on, relax and perhaps get a few splinters in my bottom from?
Yes, that will do me fine.
We were starting to feel really creeped out about this time panic attack, seriously and decided to make our exit when Mr. Simpson invited us to "check out the upstairs". *faint* Now, if there had been other people there, or if there had been more than one small green light coming from upstairs, we might have done a bit more exploring. However, we decided to just take a quick picture of the stairway and get out of there. I took Kelly's idea and labeled some of the more interesting things in that picture. I had to make the picture quite large to be able to see everything, so I apologize if it takes a long time to load.
Now, I'm sure Mr. Simpson is harmless yes and I'm not insinuating that anything is dangerous about him or his store or museum (or whatever he calls it). Me either. Things just felt a bit strange while walking around outside, and even stranger when we went into the store. So, instead of going up the dull green staircase we decided that we would feel a lot better if we were in our own car. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't know if we'll ever make it back to The Simpsonian to continue exploring or not. Perhaps if more people were around we'd feel more comfortable walking about and taking pictures. I have to say I've never seen a place quite as strange as this before. It would make a great location for a horror movie. And, if you've browsed through some of the pages on this site, that's saying something.
(Posted 9/2008)